Thoughts Inside A Closet
by Awkward Turtleduck
Summary: Rukia's thoughts on her relationships with various characters.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer:** Don't own BLEACH. If I did, somebody would've died already and Ichigo would not be so god-like with his powers.

Rukia's musings on her various relationships with other characters.

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**Thoughts Inside A Closet**

_Introduction_

She had not noticed it when she first met him. He was just a brash teenager with a strong spiritual pressure. But it was not long before the realization sank to her brain.

"Kaien-dono."

The kid resembled her dead vice-captain on his attitude and outlook in life (aside from the superficial physical resemblance). He was so much like _him_ that it hurt her sometimes.

But despite their uncanny resemblance, Rukia kept herself from mistaking Ichigo for Kaien-dono. That much she had learned from her older brother, who had never mistaken her for his wife with whom she resembled greatly.

"He is not Kaien-dono. He is Ichigo. He is Ichigo. He is not Kaien-dono. He is Ichigo!" This mantra she had drilled inside her head immediately following her realization. It was not long before she could look at him and not see her vice-captain but him, Kurosaki Ichigo.

The effort required to separate the two identities from her mind was immense and Rukia again understood why her brother never really looked at her.

"And yet," Rukia mused to herself, "it's not the same, what Byakuya-nii-sama and I experience. Ichigo and…" Rukia paused. It still affected her whenever she thought about Kaien-dono. "Ichigo and Kaien-dono do not resemble each other closely in terms of appearance. Not like me and Hisana-sama." A shadow crossed Rukia's features.

"Hisana-sama," she sighed. "I wonder what type of person she was… to have made Nii-sama love her so much."

Rukia closed her eyes. Lying there inside the kid's closet she could think about things with no fear of being disturbed (unless there's an order). Ichigo was not the inquisitive type and she was thankful for that. It was not like he didn't care; it was more like he respected her privacy. Just like Kaien-dono.

Rukia opened her eyes with a start. She couldn't dwell on the memories of him too much. It affected her performance and considering she was inside a faux body with limited Death God powers, she couldn't afford to be more of a burden when hunting Hollows. So she tried to search her for another memory, another event to replay in her mind, another person to think about.

The image of a man with a haughty bearing, a face as impassive as stone and lips that never spoke words of affection loomed in her mind.

"Nii-sama."

(...to be continued...)


	2. Kuchiki Byakuya

_Kuchiki Byakuya_

"Nii-sama."

He was a man with a haughty bearing, a face as impassive as stone and lips that never spoke words of affection.

But how Rukia desperately sought for his approval and, here Rukia felt her heart constrict, affection. Neither of them he ever gave her.

All these years, the only thing that Rukia ever gotten from him was a cold acknowledgement of her presence. Yet she never did give up seeking for a glance from him. A glance that is really directed at her. A glance that really sees her and not some abstraction with the title of Byakuya-sama's younger sister. For that was what Rukia felt her nii-sama saw her.

A mere abstraction.

A ghost of a precious memory.

It had often made her wonder why Byakuya-sama adopted her to the Noble House of Kuchiki. Yes, she had heard the whispered explanations that it was because she resembled Hisana-sama. But if it pained him so much to look at her (as Rukia now fully realized, upon seeing Ichigo's resemblance with her beloved vice-captain), then why did he still took her in? Is it for atonement? Atonement for what? Or does he derive comfort upon seeing someone who resembled his beloved wife living and breathing, under his care? Rukia hoped it was because of the last. If she could not be someone her nii-sama could be proud of, then at least, let her be someone that can serve him, be it to ease his sadness and loneliness.

Sadness and loneliness.

Rukia was sure that Byakuya-nii-sama was sad and lonely. This she instinctively felt in her heart, and also her driving reason to be someone that can give him solace. Thus despite his cold and indifferent treatment towards her, Rukia continued to train even harder since it was the only way she knew to make Byakuya-nii-sama proud. If she became a powerful, respected Shinigami.

And there was that single moment which must have been a dream but had felt so real that Rukia doubted if it was really a dream.

It was during that fateful rainy night, the night she had killed the man she respected and adored. Feeling that everything was falling apart, she had cried and screamed until she was spent. Captain Ukitake had hesitated whether he should bring her back to the Headquarters of the Thirteenth Squad or back to the Kuchiki Mansion.

With her heart still breaking, she whispered brokenly, "No… not the headquarters… not there…"

Captain Ukitake understood what she meant. Going back there would only mean reminding herself of the gaping loss which she had caused. The loss of the beacon of warmth and laughter. The loss of Vice-Captain Shiba Kaien.

Thus, he brought her to the Kuchiki Mansion. Her nii-sama was waiting. Perhaps he had felt the turbulence in her reiatsu and had deduced that something had happened. She stood there before him, not moving. She felt Captain Ukitake explain the events to her nii-sama but she was too dazed to hear anything. She just stood there, staring listlessly at the ground.

In that moment she saw something flicker in Byakuya-nii-sama's face. It lasted only for a split-second but Rukia knew what it was. It was concern. And as she was being led by the servants to her quarters to rest, Rukia felt a slight comfort in her heartbreak.

As she was lying on her bed later that night, she felt calm. Sleep did not come to her and truth be told, she was afraid what her dreams would be. She was afraid that it would be about Kaien-dono. So she just kept still, with her eyes half-opened.

The calm that she had felt was something she never felt before. She had expected pain and anguish troubling her thoughts. But instead a death-like calm washed over her. Like she had lost every care in the world. Like she was leaving things behind. Like she was about to die and was resigned to accept it.

In fact, she felt like she was separated from herself. Everything seemed surreal.

It was in this state that she saw from the corner of her eye, the shadow of her nii-sama on the other side of the door. She closed her eyes.

Apparently, Byakuya-nii-sama thought she was asleep, so still was her reiatsu. So he softly slid open the doors and entered her room. She could feel him sitting on her bedside. Under normal circumstances, this would be enough to send her heart hammering and reducing her to a frenzy. But this was not a normal circumstance. Her heart had just been shattered cruelly. She just lost something so dear to her and the pain had made her numb. Thus, she was unnaturally calm.

She could feel his hand pass over hers, as if hesitating whether to touch her or not. Rukia waited. A minute passed. And another. His hand just hovered over hers, still in that undecided pose. Finally he withdrew his hand without touching hers. He stood up and was about to leave the room. He stopped by the door and turned to see her. Then he let out an almost inaudible sigh. A sigh that was full of tenderness that Rukia never expected him to feel for her. It was strange, too strange. Which is why Rukia dismissed it as a dream.

But even as she did so, she could not help that notice that her brother was no longer in his absoulte freezing indifference towards her. It was like he was minutely less cold. It was hard to describe but Rukia felt it. It seemed like in deference to her recent painful experience, he wanted her to recover. That was what Rukia felt it meant. Her brother was not heartless. His heart was just broken. Perhaps the way hers just had been.

That realization actually made her snap out of that deathly calm spell she was under. Her nii-sama had moved on with his life. And so she would too. Her nii-sama was an admirable man. He always did the right thing. And so, Rukia swore to herself that she would follow his example and respect his judgment in everything. After all, he knew best.

She now understood him better and actually made her want to be of some solace to him even more. Yes, her nii-sama was strong. But perhaps he was not as strong when it came to the matters of the heart. To close your heart and show an uncaring façade were indicative of a fragile and sensitive man.

And being the only person with whom she could be attached with now, Rukia resolved to try even harder to please him.

And Rukia now wondered how it came to be that Byakuya-nii-sama was the only person with whom she could form an attachment. The other Shinigamis were disdainful of her sudden rise to nobility. They envied her and talked behind her back. The only person, before meeting Kaien-dono, with whom she had had real connection had distanced himself from her when she was adopted to the House of Kuchiki. Her best friend.

"Renji."


End file.
